Saved by the Bell...Professorisms

I promised this post to a fellow HR-er (meperson!). I can't remember if I've stated this before or not, so I'm doing it again just to be clear (or safe). I'm taking a creative writing class and our Professor is probably the wackiest professor on campus. It is impossible to fall asleep in his class, mainly because he's just too darn fun and you wouldn't want to miss anything.

When our Professor screws up or makes great joke, or just says something in a funky way I call it a Professorism. I'm compiling a list for my fellow HR-er (should it be HR-er or HRer? Both are confusing to those outside our community but should it be confusing for those of us on the inside?) and also so I don't forget all the fun times (memory like a sieve over here).

If I remember other Professor's professorisms I'll be sure to place them here with the appropriate professor/subject.

Second Class Day

Fricative Nut Butter - He believes we should be able to invent a fricative nut butter. No one has been able to do this yet.

Fourth Class Day

Imaginary McStudentson - The name on his papers that are used for examples.
"I care more about your commas" - When workshopping, he has stated that we are not allowed to show more care for the paper than for the person writing it. We have to be nice (which we all agree with, but that sentence was funny)

Fifth Class Day

Abrakadabraly - We get extra credit in his heart but not our grade if we use this in our next paper. I did.

Sixth Class Day

Dersun - Apparently couldn't spell "person."
Charactater - Apparently also could not spell "character." (It was obviously a hard spelling day for him. I used all of these misspellings in my paper)
Unsuck it - A classmate-ism. It sounds less worse than "suck it" does but means the same damn thing.

Seventh Class Day

Prepicife - Could not properly say "precipice."
"Pump huckey out of bunny" - Was trying to say "pump honey out of bucket" while discussing a honey bucket disaster for a setting as an example for our next assignment. This was better than what he was originally trying to say.

Ninth Class Day

Zombiecrats - Apparently, if you want to figure out if your sentence has the passive voice, add "by zombies" at the end of it. If it works your sentence is passive. He had used the example "mistakes were made...by zombies." Someone said bureaucrats so he said that.
Winking Verbs - My classmate misheard "linking verbs" after we ran off a list of verbs, so our professor invented a conversation for both:
The Winking Verbs "Hey, what are you doing tonight?" (mind you that's in a creepy come hither voice)
Verbs "Killing, running, eating, chasing, sleeping apparently." (though not necessarily in that order)
"Killed the classroom like a teacher" - We were trying to come up with an object for our puppy to kill and someone said "classroom" to which another student said "like a teacher." So our Professor invented a phrase that he demands we get accepted into everyday speech.
"Subject Verbs Object; Object gets Verbed" - He was discussing the difference between active & passive voices in writing. A standard English sentence goes Subject, Verb, Object. In an active voice the Subject is Verbing the Object. In a passive voice the Object gets Verbed by the Subject. Hence the aforementioned Professorism.
"Germans think they're weak, we think they're weird" - In German the verbs are either weak or strong. In America they are either regular or irregular. It should be fairly obvious where our Professor was going with this one.
The Passive Yoda Voice - One of our examples of active-voice sentences was "You will steal your mother's winnebago." We had to make it passive and one of my classmates made it active-Yoda-voice. So our Professor promised to give us the passive-Yoda-voice: "Your mother's winnebago, stolen, will be."
"You Struthered it" - Apparently Sally Struthers doesn't breathe when she talks or something like that, because our Professor read a paragraph in one breath and someone said "you read that like Sally Struthers! No breathing required." So our Professor also wants that phrase admitted into everyday speech.

And apparently with periodic sentences, you have your skillful and less skillful. The difference? Skillful is equivalent to a striptease and less skillful is equivalent to a flasher.

We also learned of the "Worst First Line Contest," "Bad Metaphors Contest" & "mittromneywithasmallface.com" (This one just sounds funny)

"My brain had a tumor shift." - Math professor said this whenever he forgot something.

Personally, I think we should get a collab going for worst first lines and bad metaphors. I think Raja would be all over that! 

Saved by the Bell

As I stated much earlier today (there isn't much of that left is there?) college has started afresh. I have class on Mondays and Wednesdays, which leaves Tuesdays open for loads of homework. And I did have loads. Besides reading two chapters from a book I hated the first time I took the class, I also had to read 3 shorts from Isaak Babel, an author I do not admire. Now, that doesn't seem like loads of homework and for the average student it's probably like sitting down and reading a standard textbook. For your average smart student it's a walk in the park.

I am neither of those kinds of students and I'm certainly not average. Being a unique reader and working around crippling dyslexia is not an easy feat, but it's one I've cultured for the past 5 years. So, it took me the entire day to get one precisely one chapter done. I've read one of the Babel shorts before and remember it quite well. I cannot stand his work, so I'm not going to cram his other two tonight because he's not worth it. I will read them at my leisure tomorrow before class.

As for the two chapters I was supposed to have done. The text is "Reading Like a Writer" by Francine Prose. Not only did I write in the book but I wrote on the book. That's right, I have written notes on the front and back covers of the book. None of them nice comments either, I decided to give my own reviews next to the ones printed on the covers. I hated Prose back when I first took the class. I believe I stated in my essay then that she "truly makes watching paint dry look like an aggressive spectator sport." I remembered her writing as being dull and boring and very hard to get through because of that. I figured after three years and learning how to read more critically, I would probably enjoy her work now.

I was wrong. If anything, I hate her work even more. She is as dull and boring as ever if not more so. Last time I read her book I didn't put any notes int he margins, or cross out bits I disagreed with, or anything like that. This time round I had a blast writing all over it! When my camera has a living battery again, I will take pictures to show you just how much fun I had fixing her text. She had taken what was supposed to be a fun day of reading and taking notes into a bore-fest where I smacked my head more than once against my desk and deeply wished to play reverse-Russian-roulette (where all but one cartridge is full of bullets). That's how awful my day has been.

I revised my paint statement from three years ago. Here's the revision: "I understand that Prose is trying to incite passion into a reader's soul when the partake in the art of reading. Unfortunately, in this particular reader, she not only sucked away that passion but instilled a strong desire to run smiling into the open arms of death, so that this reader may be spared from the dull ramblings of a woman whose craft has taken the act of watching paint dry and turned it into a lively spectator sport worthy of the Olympics." That's how boring she is.

I have to have to other chapter finished before class so that I'm not left behind in the class discussions. Seeing how I have four hours to kill, I don't see how that'll be a problem. Today I tried to be critical and take thorough notes. Tomorrow, I'm just breezing through Prose and Babel. Can't wait to take on Gardner. He's a jackass but at least he isn't a bore.

Until next time this is the Amazon Artiste signing off.